So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
