wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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