Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
bring money and cleavage
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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