My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize