I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
