I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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