im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
jump out the window naked night went bad
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