There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
