Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
