so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
