I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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