I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
