good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize