I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize