Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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