We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
