My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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