Swine flu. Run for my life!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
