I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
