If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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