My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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