i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
