And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I touched a dick in church today
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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