I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
