I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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