I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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