i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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