i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
