I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
