thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
