Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
too bad you live with your parents still
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
