Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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