you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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