I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
