hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
