Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
