You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
