He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
