just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize