she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
