remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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