So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
