walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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