R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
