I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
a search helicopter?!
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
