i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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