i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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