can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The beer is more important than you right now.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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