I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
