non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
