Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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