if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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