im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
