that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
