NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
