Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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