Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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