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• (313): View more from Michigan

  So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!

  (1-313): View more from Michigan

  I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Honestly.

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Don't say a word.

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• (949): View more from California

  Getting food. Want anything?

  (1-949): View more from California

  Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book

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• (901): View more from Tennessee

  we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.

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• (662): View more from Mississippi

  We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.

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• (213): View more from California

  Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  ... and if i was..

  (213): View more from California

  Fuck. You.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients

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• (606): View more from Kentucky

  I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!

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• (772): View more from Florida

  I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.

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• (281): View more from Texas

  If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.

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• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.

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• (518): View more from New York

  When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.

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• (248): View more from Michigan

  It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.

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