God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
