I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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