Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
