My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
