You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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